How to Correct Your Partners Bad Habits

…and avoid awkward confrontation

Are you tired of picking up after your partner? Do you find yourself irritated, on edge or simply off put by their annoying habits? Do you find yourself repeating the same things time and time again with no change? While seemingly insignificant, these can lead to contempt and problems in your relationship down the road. Our habits are often performed automatically with little conscious thought. Thus, giving us hope that even the most annoying habits can be unlearned. We may not agree with everything our partner does, but our reaction to said behaviour is most important.  

It’s easy to tell ourselves we’ll react in a calm matter when problems arise. It’s not so easy to feel warm and fuzzy when we see our partner left yet another empty toilet roll without replacing it.

Irritating? Sure. Worthy of Ending a Relationship? Probably not.

Instead of criticizing, try to understand why they may be exhibiting a certain behaviour. Of course there are some actions that should not be tolerated (infidelity, abuse etc) or discussed with a professional, but the focus here is bad habits and irritating behaviours. 

Let’s use the toilet paper roll example. It’s possible it wasn’t corrected as a child or the work was done for them by another member of the household. Perhaps they don’t think twice about it because the sight of an empty paper roll doesn’t trigger OCD. Maybe there’s no justification… they’re just lazy.  Regardless of the reason, it’s safe to say that raising your voice or name calling would NOT be the proper way to get the message across. 

HOW TO CONFRONT THE BEHAVIOUR

If it’s the first time you’ve noticed it happen, you may choose to let it slide. The worst thing you can do ignore it and explode out of the blue in the future. Nip it in the butt as early as possible so it doesn’t happen again. 

How to do this? Just ask nicely. Get the point across without attacking, criticizing or belittling your partner.

AVOID Saying Things like:

“How many times do I have to tell you…” 

“I can’t believe you…” 

“You have to stop…”  

“This is the tenth time I’ve…”  

Try Saying Things like:

“Hey [insert name], Would you mind changing the toilet paper when the roll is empty?” 

 “I’d be a big help if you could change the toilet paper roll when it’s finished”

“I’d love it if you could help by…”

Try Being Funny:

Another way to approach an uncomfortable situation is with humour. Let’s be real, no one enjoys confrontation. Not the person giving it, or the one on the receiving end. If you’re naturally funny, use this to your advantage!

“You’re lucky I noticed the empty toilet paper roll before I went to the bathroom… or It would’ve been a shitty situation” or “I would’ve been shit outta luck!” 

Total Dad joke, I know… but it get’s the point across in a light and positive way.  

It’s important to remember that even if you don’t approve of or accept the behaviour, you can approach the conversation in a loving manner. It can be frustrating when they continue despite multiple attempts to correct it, but get creative until they get the message. 

KEEP TRYING:

Nothing working? Write a literal message! Make it so obvious they have no choice but remember. Write it on a sticky note and place it right above the toilet. Write “Change me!” Or “Who is the culprit?!”. If you’re not one to come up with witty jokes on the spot, a note is a great way to bring humour into the mix.

Have you seen the signs they put up in some Starbucks washrooms reminding you to wash your hands? or the signs illustrating the proper way to do so? Draw or write out a step by step list/ tutorial instructing them how to do it. This is another funny way to show them what you’d like them to do.

You can apply the same concept to other behaviours. Leave a note beside the dirty dishes. Laundry on the floor. Candy wrappers on the coffee table. Hair in the shower. Overflowing Garbage Bin.

Try Positive Reinforcement:

If you see your partner do the right thing, don’t let it go unnoticed. Say Thank you! Of course you don’t have to thank them for cleaning up after themselves, but why not show some appreciation? It’s nice to hear words of affirmation & encouragement from time to time and if you praise them for doing the right thing once, they’re more likely to do it again.

IF ALL ELSE FAILS

I hate to be the bearer of bad news… but the unfortunate truth is that maybe it doesn’t matter what you do, your partner will never get it. You’ve tried the words of encouragement. You’ve tried Humour. In fact, you’ve even tried exploding into fits of anger. 

“They don’t consider my needs”

Ask yourself if the habit is harmless and something you’d be willing to accept. In other words, is it something worth ending the relationship/ marriage over? Is it something you feel must be addressed through couples therapy? 

“They don’t respect me”

If you realize there’s nothing that is going to change the course of action, it may be something you have to accept FOR YOUR OWN SANITY. Maybe this is where I’ve lost you. How can I simply ignore it, obviously they don’t value my needs? You have every right to feel ignored, unappreciated or disregarded. That being said, you will drive yourself crazy every time it happens. Likely you’ll build resentment and possibly feel contempt towards your spouse. 

pick your battles:

Naturally we all have pet peeves and there are likley things you do that irritate your partner (even if they don’t verbally share it with you). That being said, harbouring feelings of resentment do not serve your marriage. Decide what matters most and pick the best course of action.